Cut Your Living Expenses in Half, Joe-Style

Foster Dogs
Your local humane society will give you hundreds of dollars a week! It’s supposed to be for the animal, but just feed him your roommates leftovers. If you’re feeling extra nice, occasionally spring for dog food.  -$300/month http://www.fosterdogs.com/

Cancel Your Gym Membership.
Lets be honest. Do you really go, you little pork belly? You’re throwing money away… If you still want the option, collect as many 1-week trials as you can. Use different names. Fake IDs will increase your odds.  -$50-$150/month

Cancel Your Cable
You can watch almost everything online. Really? you really need to watch it on a big tv, napoleon? Buy an Apple TV, for christsakes.  -$30-$150/month

Cancel Your Internet
As long as you make one purchase a month, Starbucks gives away two free hours of internet a day. You don’t need anymore than that, you little web glutton. -$20-$60/month

Cancel Magazine Subscription’s over $10/year
They’re so desperate for subscriber numbers, they’ll come back at you with a better offer. If they don’t, just read it online.

Pick up your food instead of getting it delivered
Pay yourself the money you would’ve tipped.  -$10-$20/month

Make your Coffee at Home
The markup on that stuff is insulting, friends. -$600/year

Valupak is your friend
Coupon it up -$5-$10/month

The Dollar Store or Jack’s World
Get over yourself and check it out. The Price is most definitely right.

Stop Buying DVD’s
How many times are you really going to watch them? Get the cheapest Netflix subscription and stream them instantly if you really get the urge…

Also, check out:

20 Healthy Foods Under $1

TipHero

How to Save Money on Practically Everything (Kiplinger)

15 Cheap Dates

Come, my little parakeets. Let me show you the way to frugal flirting:

Dinner at a Chinese Restaurant
Dates almost never order liquor with their beef & broccoli.

Volunteer at a Soup Kitchen
It’s hard to not look good while surrounded by hobos asking for more saltines

Pottery Painting at ‘Color-Me-Mine’ or ‘My Name is Mud’
Impress him/her with your bowl-painting skills and skip right to desert. If you’re lacking artistic prowess, paint “This is a wonderful date. I really appreciate you as a person.”  For extra points, have desert served on your new pottery.

Bowling
Nobody can stand more than three games. If you’ve got some skill, bet him/her the price of the lane. Extra points for granny-style.

Win a night out in a Radio Contest
50% of the time, the answer is “Video killed the radio star”

Go to a Museum
Remember, the donation is just a suggestion! Wear a turtleneck, it’ll make you look sophisticated…

Plant Hair in Your Food
Long strands work best. Make a big fuss. Mention your sister at the NY Times.

5$ Footlongs
Mostly because I like the song.

Eat Lunch at a Bar
They’re so desperate to get people in there during the day that you can score some serious specialiage.

Create a Scavengar hunt
Have your date make a list of 20 random things and spend the rest of the night finding them. If they’re successful, offer to see them again.

Lasertag
Minutes of fun and lots of dark corners…

Test-Drive Expensive Cars.
Wear fancy clothes and act really confident–Sometimes they even give you free stuff! Leave fake contact information.

Hole-in-the-wall
Take them to a really cheap, greasy restaurant a bit of a distance from where you live. Claim you researched hip, underground joints on Yelp. This works particularly well in New Jersey.

Get Free Groceries
Order groceries with your roommates from one of the online services (Fresh Direct, Dagostino’s) that gives you $50 off your first order. Don’t tell the roomies about the discount.

Somewhere Expensive
When the check comes, reach into your pocket and FREEZE WITH SHOCKED LOOK ON YOUR FACE. Hold for 7 seconds.

You forgot your wallet. Get upset. Offer to pay for the next two meals. Continue to joke about how stupid you are throughout the night. This may even be construed as charming… if you continue dating, make sure the next two meals are less than half the price of this meal. If not, then you just scored yourself some free grub, player.

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Joe’s Penny-Pinching Tips

1. Steal a bike from a little kid

A. He’ll cry for day, but it’s good to experience disappointment when you’re still developing.

B.Odds are his parents’ll get him a brand new one anyway. Everybody wins!

C. Bikes last forever and they take you everywhere a car or bus does.

2. Don’t buy light bulbs
Bring a backpack to a friend’s apartment on a sunny day. Take the bulbs out of their fridge, lamps, ceiling lights, bathrooms, etc. Make sure to do this only in rooms where they won’t miss them in the next few minutes. As soon as you have as good chunk, find an excuse to leave.

3. Go to bakeries at closing
They’ll give you free carbs! Who doesn’t love a delicious 22-hour ripened muffin? The berries really get a chance to soak…

4. Recycling cans
Not just for the homeless anymore. You are literally flushing money DOWN THE TOILET every time you throw one out!

5. Go to all-you can buffets.
Line the pockets of your jacket, pants and fanny pack with plastic bags.

6. The only hygienic product you need is soap.
Take an empty soap dispenser into any reliable public bathroom and pump your little heart out.  Fancy department stores are good because I found they have the best smelling choices.

7. Save the plastic wrap from food containers.
It can be tricky to wash but there’s always a way to reuse it. The wawa indians used the ENTIRE animal.

8. Sell your friend’s stuff on Ebay.
Charge them 50% of the sale price, then hire someone else to do it at 30%. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s 20% for doing NOTHING

9. Sign up to be a haircut model.
I go about once every couple of months. If you can’t find a place, cut it yourself or, better yet, not at all.

10. Never join a gym
Keep signing up for trial weeks

11. Sign up for clinical studies
Generally you don’t do much and sometimes they even give you food afterwards. ( If you act woozy, odds are you’ll get a juice box.

12. Valuepak Coupons are your friend.
Horde those suckers. Expiration dates are negotiable

13. Start a dog walking service
Gather all of the clients and then hire neighborhood kids to walk the dogs while make even more money doing something else.

14. Save pizza sauce
If you get a slice with more sauce that you want, take off the cheese and then scrape the excess sauce into a bag for later use on pasta. Replace the cheese.

15. Go to info seminars
Like the ones they tend to have for timeshares, etc. Take some bags and grab the snacks. Fight the urge to buy a timeshare.